Last night I was at my mum’s house and was just chatting when I cried. I cried when she asked how things were with BJ. The act of crying was a big sign to me that something’s not right… that I’m hurting.

I had been ticking along quite fine so hadn’t realised that something was really bothering me. It took a loved one to ask me how I was really for the real feelings to come out. It’s scary how easily it is to trick yourself into believing everything is fine.

I guess that happens when you’re not connected to yourself.

It seems my body has really clicked into this NVC conciousness. I attribute some of it to having received the empathy I’d needed earlier this week.

Yesterday I experienced being able to connect to a work mate I hadn’t connected with on a deeper level before. When she spoke of her feelings about her manager – the Office Manager, that so many others in my firm have dificulties with – I began reflecting back what she was saying in terms of feelings and needs.

This empathy seemed to be a positive experience for her as well, because she sent me a thank you skype message. I asked her how she felt now and she responded that she was actually feeling much better – I sensed her surprise. I was really invigorated by that conversation as well… I guess it gave me affirmation that this stuff really works(!) and also met my need for contribution to helping other people’s lives be more wonderful.

Another workmate asked me if I liked his new shirt. Not being a ‘fashionista’ I really hadn’t payed any attention to his shirt and honestly had no opinion of it. I was in shock and not knowing what to say blurted, ‘oh it’s just a shirt’. HA! Later when chatting to him about this exchange I asked him what he felt when he put that shirt on this morning. I then said, ’so you were pretty excited about wearing your new shirt today and wanted to celebrate. Is that why you spoke to me about it?’. Yes. *giggle*

I’m smirking to myself while typing this now. I had thought I needed to explain myself to him about how I felt about his shirt, but really, all I needed to do was celebrate with him this joyous occasion.

I called out for empathy to some of my NVC community and was thankful that one friend offered. On Tuesday I experienced my first real empathy session where I could just speak freely. He reflected back to me what I was saying and adding needs and feelings to my coloquial language. After an hour it didn’t matter how I was going to talk to BJ about my concerns, I’d been heard and I knew that my feelings were valid and my needs really did matter. I’ve had a lovely time since just bathing in the delight of my needs.

Last night I called BJ and we spoke for an hour and ten minutes. It was the most connecting conversation we’ve had over the phone… indeed it’s probably been the most connecting conversation we’ve had at all. BJ has always shied away from ‘meaningful’ phone conversations, however I was able to connect with him and keep my heart open and realy listen to him rather than hear blame and criticism. I stayed connected to my intention to connect and I used a few empathy techniques I’ve learnt like reflecting back what he said in needs and feelings, or asking him what he heard me say, or asking him if he’d tell me what he heard me say.

The other really important learning I was able to put into practice was stay connected with myself. At one point I felt my chest constrict again when I heard a criticism. I instantly recognised this change in my body and gave myself a quick empathy sentence, and then was able to hear again. By keeping connected I was able to direct the conversation and also tell him what I was feeling right at that moment – if I was confused by what he was saying and needing understanding, or hurt because I needed acceptance for who I am.

This was so powerful I was able to communicate with giraffe ears. It was amazing. I celebrated afterwards that we were connected again and that I had been able to put into practice my learnings of NVC. I wasn’t afraid, I didn’t hold back in case I didn’t ’say it right’, I just stayed connected with my intention and with myself.

I’ve learnt that NVC is not just a language tool, it is a way of being.

I’m not that much into labels really, however sometimes it helps me understand better. When I came across this word – it’s a new concept to me – I felt very much in tune with what codependency is and how distructive it can be to oneself.

I attribute (not blame) my learning codependency from my upbringing. I was always taught that my actions were be responsible for my dad’s anger. And conversely if I did/said something he liked, he would be happy. Mum taught me not to rock the boat in our family by bringing up anything that bothered me.

My mum was a timid 19 year old when she and dad got married and it wasn’t until she was about 35 and started working again did she come out of herself and stop being codependent on dad.

It is not painful for me to remember this upbringing because there were many other great things about my childhood and as an adult I like who am. I am, however, growing and learning and changing those things are not good for me.

Such as codependency…

I’ve been going through a bit of a growth period this week after a realisation on saturday.  Something my boyfriend said finally hit home. It was something like, “…it’s early days” in regards to our relationship. 

 *ping*

I’ve realised that I’ve been getting too involved in his life. I’ve been so weighed down by his shit and taking it all on myself. It’s weird you know… it’s like I take responsibility for my loved one’s issues and try to help or fix it. And it’s just not healthy!

NVC consciousness is all about looking after your own needs and feelings – while empathizing with others – and not taking responsibility for anyone else’s feelings or needs because you cannot control anyone else except for yourself. So with this in mind, I’ve given myself permission to have the week to reflect and get back to me. Now I’m aware of what I’ve been doing I’m want to keep his issues at arms length and just be there to support him by giving hugs, but not fixing or coming up with solutions!

So my request to myself is to practice empathising in the NVC way and let others take care of themselves.

Today I am in pain. I woke at 1.30am last night in pain and it’s hanging around. My chest is constricted and I feel like bursting out of it to be free. I got out of bed last night and sat on my meditation cushion and lit a candle. I tried to connect with my feelings and needs as one of my cats sat curled up on my knees.

My feelings were wariness and anxiousness. My needs behind these were freedom, autonomy and space. I can’t remember the trigger.

I cried and was so happy that I cried as it was my body’s way of telling me, all is not right. I sat with those needs for a while then went back to bed to sleep.

Today my feelings are a little different.

When I remember my boyfriend saying, “I’m in a relationship and I’m not happy with my life” on Saturday, I’m feeling annoyed, worn out, and concerned for myself. My needs are acceptance for who I am, self-expression and understanding. Therefore I’m giving myself permission to have this week alone to connect with myself.

Jackal Show:
I’m having a hard time balancing between looking after myself and supporting my boyfriend. While he is stressed and concerned about his work and talks to me about it, I’ve gotten so caught up in trying to ‘fix’ him or help him that I’ve let my own life get disorderly (haven’t been to gym in a while, messy room, messy garage, files not in order, etc.). I’m so tired of hearing negativity from him I just want to get away from him and recuperate! If I could just support him by listening and giving empathy and not taking on responsibility for his concerns then I’m sure it would be easier to be around him.

I must find a way to support without taking on…

How?

I’ve just spent the past week at our Regional NVC Gathering. It was such a profound experience that I feel so completely out of place sitting here at my desk at work today. I was so sad to leave yesterday because I so enjoyed the connections I made and also the freedom of being myself and being accepted. I was so afraid of not being able to keep those needs met in my daily life.

Ah… now there is an email from my friend I met at the gathering about today being the 2008 solar wave celebration. I’m thankful to have connection with my NVC friend.

Now I’m crying with a smile on my face as I view the images depicting the 2008 Gaia celebration. I feel so warm and loved by everyone from the Gathering even though I’m sitting in my pretty suit at work. I’m not afraid now… I trust now that I can take the connections I met at The Gathering into my mainstream life. I’m so glad! This will help me move away from what feels so foreign to me now and plan for my new beginning of my life with true connection with self, earth and all sentient beings. Now I can celebrate.

It feels like I’ve been away for a month. It’s only been 6 days…

I can also celebrate because I was finally able to connect deeply with my best friend CC who has joined the navy and leaving today. I had thought that I would struggle connecting deeply with anyone in my ‘normal’ life outside the nvc community and gathering, however last night when sitting with my friend with a very big, full and open heart we had a great connecting conversation. Mostly I just listened and reflected back what I heard she was feeling and needing. Then I asked her how she felt afterwards and I could see her whole body had relaxed. She smiled and said, ‘thank you – that’s exactly what i needed!’. I was also celebrating being able to give her something precious – my empathy.

Saturday was mine and BJ’s 3 month anniversary. When I got to his place he took me to a park and we had a picnic. It was a nice surprise. And the weather was gorgeous – it’s so nice to see the sun again!

Then that night I took him out to a fancy restaurant. It was very swishy (and costly!) but I wanted to do something special to show my appreciation. 3 months is a big deal to me coz it’s kinda the point where I know I wanna be with someone for a long time.

When we got home from the restaurant we had a big fight! Our first proper fight. It got really heated and I couldn’t control myself, I was just bubbling out coz I was so pissed off, but not really sure why. NVC completely went out the window as I just let all my feelings bubble out of me.

It wasn’t until later that I realised what had bothered me. You see, after we’d got home from the restaurant, he went outside and saw his dogs had dug up a part of the yard again and he came back inside all grumpy. So I got angry at him coz I just wanted to have a nice night without any angst. He’s been stressed lately about work and selling his house and various things, and so I just wanted him to have a nice, relaxing, fun evening with me and forget about everything negative.

After a few mintues he left the room then came back in and gave me a big hug. I burst into tears and it was then that I realised what it was that had upset me. So we made up and calmed down and talked about things.

I look forward to being able to use the NVC tools I have been learning in that kind of situation so it doesn’t get so heated next time. But, I’m glad that we can have an argument and then come out of it all lovey-dovey again.

I also realise that I cannot make someone happy. It’s something I struggle with and need to learn not to take responsibility for some elses feelings. It’s difficult not to when you care about someone, but it’s much healthier for me and for the relationship. I guess it will come in time as I learn how to integrate what I learn during my NVC trainings into my everyday life.

Last night I attended the first night of a four part course on the foundations of NVC. During the evening I mentioned my confusion surrounding compromise and having needs met.

Cherry – my trainer and friend – stated that there really isn’t such a thing as compromise in NVC because compromise would lend you to believe that you’re giving up your needs or giving in to the others needs out of obligation. In NVC, there is no obligation to give. You give because you freely choose to with an open heart.

Both parties needs are important. All needs are as important as the others. The goal of living nonviolently is to have both parties needs met – not for one to relinquish their needs for the other.

That leads me to think about mine and BJs relationship and how I often feel like I’m compromising in order to meet his needs. This must stop. I need autonomy and freedom to be myself, and if I keep compromising then I will soon wake up to find myself living as someone else.

I’m enjoying learning about BJ and learning how to be in a committed relationship again. I notice a lot of my thoughts change each week regarding how I see him, myself, and us as a couple.

I had brunch with my girlfriends on Saturday. I told my girlfriend that I’m terrified of losing myself again, where I’m expected to be a certain way all the time or put on a pedestal, and she said something like, “You’re never exactly the way you are in a relationship because of compromise. If you don’t compromise, then you can’t be in a relationship.” I realised then that I’m unsure about where the line of compromise turns into losing or changing yourself or who you are. I’ve been so afraid of losing myself again that I’ve gone the complete opposite direction and been uncompromisable. For example, if he doesn’t like me for who I am with my uncombed hair, then he can bug off.

But is combing your hair really changing yourself? It’s an easy thing and shows him that I appreciate him by looking pretty when he comes over. So, where does combing your hair turn into completely changing yourself?

I suppose it’s in his response. If he were to remark negatively each time he saw me a little unkempt, then that would be a concern. But if it’s merely a comment about ‘you look lovely when your hair is just combed’ then that is probably just a sign of appreciation.

Well… NVC would say it’s the response. You know if something is a demand or a request by the response if you say ‘no’.

I guess the NVC model would also say that compromise is just about having each party in the couple’s needs met.

Hmm… I need some clarification. Now I’m feeling confused and worried and need to understand this better.

The Meditation Society of Australia has free meditation podcasts. It sounds beautiful as I listen to it at work… I better stop it soon or I won’t be very productive.

I’m an atheist, but there’s definately something beautiful and profound and empowering about meditating and focusing on you, and the divine energy or ‘kingdom of heaven’ within you. It’s not about anyone else or any other ‘higher being’, it’s just you.

Aaaah, peace within me.

This excerpt is from their website here: http://meditation.org.au/pressreleasehealth.asp

Beating stress

Spinning mind, spiraling health

The negative effects of stress, worry, fear and anxiety upon our health has for many years concerned modern society. In this, the fastest paced, most stressed period that humanity has experienced, it is critical for us to be aware of the strain we are placing upon our bodies just to keep up.

In short, a spinning mind means spiraling health!

According to the Meditation Society of Australia this is where meditation excels. An ancient practice that can be dated back to the east at least six thousands years ago, the practice of meditation has for years been gaining a groundswell of widespread modern acceptance.

People who meditate have been shown to quickly achieve health benefits such as slower heart rates, lower blood pressure, reduced oxygen consumption and lower lactic acid levels. Some have used meditation to help with everything from headaches and respiratory problems to cancer and coping with death. It is seen as a crucial tool in treating many mental illnesses such as depression or schizophrenia while it has also been shown to actually boost functionality of the immune system. Beyond the science, however, one common health benefit in dealing with stress is perhaps the most important, and that is meditation’s ability to help the practitioner to shut up and listen.

“The clatter of the media, of advertising, of stress and anxiety creates a cacophony of noise that makes it increasingly impossible for us to hear ourselves”, says Sunirmalya Symons of the Meditation Society of Australia. A non-profit group with a free meditation course on the web. Sunirmalya says that meditators are more attuned to their bodies and its requirements because they are able to ‘intuitively’ feel its needs.

“Meditation is listening. Listening not for words or sentences but intuitions. We are very complex beings with trillions of physical functions, not to mention the multitude of mental and spiritual dimensions we each possess. From time to time, we need to hear what our body, our mind and our soul are saying to us. Our health – physical, mental and spiritual – absolutely soars when we take the time to listen.” He says that people that meditate have been shown to eat more healthily, exercise more and generally possess more vigor.

“There are so many pressures on individuals to ‘try that’ or ‘have this’, that it becomes impossible to actually know what is right for you. With meditation we develop a faith in our own internal dialog, a faith that is fortified by the simple result of it time and again being right.”

Sunirmalya says that the free online meditation course at www.meditation.org.au is something everyone should try. “Meditation is for every one without exception, but each of us will meditate in different ways, so try the course if it doesn’t work for you – try another one, there’s a multitude on the web.”

Meditation may be old, but it seems it is one of the most important tools for our health and wellness in our modern world.