I called out for empathy to some of my NVC community and was thankful that one friend offered. On Tuesday I experienced my first real empathy session where I could just speak freely. He reflected back to me what I was saying and adding needs and feelings to my coloquial language. After an hour it didn’t matter how I was going to talk to BJ about my concerns, I’d been heard and I knew that my feelings were valid and my needs really did matter. I’ve had a lovely time since just bathing in the delight of my needs.
Last night I called BJ and we spoke for an hour and ten minutes. It was the most connecting conversation we’ve had over the phone… indeed it’s probably been the most connecting conversation we’ve had at all. BJ has always shied away from ‘meaningful’ phone conversations, however I was able to connect with him and keep my heart open and realy listen to him rather than hear blame and criticism. I stayed connected to my intention to connect and I used a few empathy techniques I’ve learnt like reflecting back what he said in needs and feelings, or asking him what he heard me say, or asking him if he’d tell me what he heard me say.
The other really important learning I was able to put into practice was stay connected with myself. At one point I felt my chest constrict again when I heard a criticism. I instantly recognised this change in my body and gave myself a quick empathy sentence, and then was able to hear again. By keeping connected I was able to direct the conversation and also tell him what I was feeling right at that moment – if I was confused by what he was saying and needing understanding, or hurt because I needed acceptance for who I am.
This was so powerful I was able to communicate with giraffe ears. It was amazing. I celebrated afterwards that we were connected again and that I had been able to put into practice my learnings of NVC. I wasn’t afraid, I didn’t hold back in case I didn’t ’say it right’, I just stayed connected with my intention and with myself.
I’ve learnt that NVC is not just a language tool, it is a way of being.
Tags: connecting, empathy, feelings, learning nvc, needs, nvc, relationships
