I’m not that much into labels really, however sometimes it helps me understand better. When I came across this word – it’s a new concept to me – I felt very much in tune with what codependency is and how distructive it can be to oneself.
I attribute (not blame) my learning codependency from my upbringing. I was always taught that my actions were be responsible for my dad’s anger. And conversely if I did/said something he liked, he would be happy. Mum taught me not to rock the boat in our family by bringing up anything that bothered me.
My mum was a timid 19 year old when she and dad got married and it wasn’t until she was about 35 and started working again did she come out of herself and stop being codependent on dad.
It is not painful for me to remember this upbringing because there were many other great things about my childhood and as an adult I like who am. I am, however, growing and learning and changing those things are not good for me.
Such as codependency…
I’ve been going through a bit of a growth period this week after a realisation on saturday. Something my boyfriend said finally hit home. It was something like, “…it’s early days” in regards to our relationship.
*ping*
I’ve realised that I’ve been getting too involved in his life. I’ve been so weighed down by his shit and taking it all on myself. It’s weird you know… it’s like I take responsibility for my loved one’s issues and try to help or fix it. And it’s just not healthy!
NVC consciousness is all about looking after your own needs and feelings – while empathizing with others – and not taking responsibility for anyone else’s feelings or needs because you cannot control anyone else except for yourself. So with this in mind, I’ve given myself permission to have the week to reflect and get back to me. Now I’m aware of what I’ve been doing I’m want to keep his issues at arms length and just be there to support him by giving hugs, but not fixing or coming up with solutions!
So my request to myself is to practice empathising in the NVC way and let others take care of themselves.
Tags: awareness, codependency, empathy, growth, nvc, ping-moment, relationships, support
4:39 pm - 9 October 2008 at 4:39 pm |
They say “if you close your eyes and see someone else you are co-dependent.”
After fifteen years of marriage I was amazed how much of my home life was a recreation of my family or origin’s home. Equally amazing to me was the manner in which my wife had done the same with her approach to our relationship.
Today, my wife and I creep ever so close to having been married 30 years. We just, very quietly, celebrated our 29th on the 28th of last month.
So many of the problems we experience in this world could easily be solved if we but stopped what we were doing for a few hours and thought about how our failed attempts are just an outcome of the ways we have been taught to view and have a vision for how we THINK life is suppose to work. The enormous power we provide these fantascies is astounding.
BUT, we are so unwilling to believe we are clueless about what it means to truly love genuinely in order to feel love realistically.
Have a great day….thanks for you post.
AngllHugnU2
Author of IM with God