I’m enjoying learning about BJ and learning how to be in a committed relationship again. I notice a lot of my thoughts change each week regarding how I see him, myself, and us as a couple.
I had brunch with my girlfriends on Saturday. I told my girlfriend that I’m terrified of losing myself again, where I’m expected to be a certain way all the time or put on a pedestal, and she said something like, “You’re never exactly the way you are in a relationship because of compromise. If you don’t compromise, then you can’t be in a relationship.” I realised then that I’m unsure about where the line of compromise turns into losing or changing yourself or who you are. I’ve been so afraid of losing myself again that I’ve gone the complete opposite direction and been uncompromisable. For example, if he doesn’t like me for who I am with my uncombed hair, then he can bug off.
But is combing your hair really changing yourself? It’s an easy thing and shows him that I appreciate him by looking pretty when he comes over. So, where does combing your hair turn into completely changing yourself?
I suppose it’s in his response. If he were to remark negatively each time he saw me a little unkempt, then that would be a concern. But if it’s merely a comment about ‘you look lovely when your hair is just combed’ then that is probably just a sign of appreciation.
Well… NVC would say it’s the response. You know if something is a demand or a request by the response if you say ‘no’.
I guess the NVC model would also say that compromise is just about having each party in the couple’s needs met.
Hmm… I need some clarification. Now I’m feeling confused and worried and need to understand this better.
Tags: communication, compromise, demands, learning nvc, nonviolent, nvc, relationships, requests
