being bossy [part 3]

Relief.

After going around and around in circles with the judging jackal voice in my head I asked for help.

I wrote a plea to an NVC forum and also spoke to an experienced NVCer friend of mine, Cherry.

One lovely NVCer replied to my plea with:
“Are you feeling sad and angry because you’re needing acceptance? Do you value your autonomy and long for respect? And are you feeling frustration because, being an NVC trainee, you’re wanting to be able to apply what you’ve learned but hear your jackal thoughts instead? Where is that giraffe, anyway?

When I read your message, I hear an anxiousness to get back to “life as it was… enjoying each others company” and I’m wondering whether you’d be willing to prioritize your needs, with self-empathy being number one?”

After I read that I cried. I’d finally hit home to what my needs were.

Then speaking with Cherry and sharing this she offered some advice. She encouraged me to let my jackal run along the beach for a while – that it was ok to let this happen – but try and move the jackal thoughts from “he does this…” to “I’m thinking…” or “I’m telling myself…”. She encouraged me to connect with myself then and spend some time doing this. Only after I’m truly connected to myself, my feelings and my needs can I then be open to connecting with my boyfriend, and guess what he might be feeling or needing. This shift from blame to compassion moves him from being the enemy to being an equal. Both our needs are equal.

So I wandered about my house talking outloud and really connecting. It was fabulous. Self-empathy is very powerful, but something I’m finding challenging to master.

As I wandered some thoughts were like these…

Jackal: “I’m thinking that he won’t accept me if I’m messy or untidy or unclean.”
Giraffe: “I value other things more highly than tidiness, like health, wellbeing and connections with family and friends.”

Jackal: “If I do the things he asks for then I’ll lose myself. He should be accepting of who I am.”
Giraffe: “I really value autonomy and acceptance in a relationship.”

And now I need sleep.

Tags: bossy, communication, empathy, feelings, friends, needs, nonviolent, nvc, self-empathy