On Saturday after BJ came over to my place I was getting agitated because he was going on and on about a topic that I’d already gotten the point of. I wanted to tell him in a nonviolent way that I didn’t need as many words as he had used in order to get the point.
I succeeded in telling him he used too many words and he appeared very hurt, confused and started to get defensive. He said later he even thought I was breaking up with him! ARGH!!
When I realised I wasn’t communicating in the way that I wanted to, I said something like, “I’m frustrated because I need to be clear about what I’m saying, and I’m not getting what i want to say across to you in a nonviolent way.” He continued to be defensive about it not being his fault he couldn’t understand. So I said for him to stop talking.
I went and sat next to him and held his hand. I looked into his eyes and said, “I am frustrated because I want to be clear about how I communicate to you, and I’m sensing this is not the case. Can you please tell me what you heard me say?” Again he took it as a personal attack about something he said. So I repeated, “No, it has nothing to do with you,” I repeated, “I am frustrated because I want to communicate effectively.” He said, “So it has nothing to do with me?” and I replied, “No it has nothing to do with you.”
I succeeded. 
I succeeded in dispelling what could have turned out to be a very painful situation where both of us left each others company feeling hurt and not understanding why.
Another time while driving he remarked something like, “No need to rush and get stressed.” and so of course I snapped, “Stop being so patronizing.” Silence followed. Once I’d connected to myself and my own feelings of frustration because I was needing trust and autonomy to drive without complaint, I said, “So I’m sensing that safety is pretty important to you when you’re in a car.” He affirmed this. And all was well again. I felt more relaxed now I had clarified his need for safety and was able to adjust my driving accordingly.
It was so wonderful being able to use NVC to dispel the uncomfortable silence with one sentence and not get caught up in right or wrong or better or worse.
There were a couple more little incidences like this. I’ve gained more confidence now with using NVC – even if it’s just one sentence – and not get caught up in analysing what I should say first. But just to connect to my needs and his needs.
We continued to have a great weekend together.
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Now I feel happy because I’m inspired.
Tags: communication, feelings, needs, nonviolent, nvc, safety, uncomfortable silence
