One thing I’ve heard from my lessons in NVC is that, as you’re learning, try not to get caught up on how you’re saying things. Stay focused on your heart and reach out to the person you want to connect with rather than just saying nothing because you’re worried about how it will sound.
Well… this morning BJ was making me strawberry pancakes for breakfast. He was all frazzled and frustrated because the pancakes were not cooking the way he wanted, and then he dropped the oil on the floor and then forgot to heat the plates. The poor guy was so flustered I felt for him. I wanted to give him empathy but struggled as I thought about what to say.
Things came into my mind like – say ‘don’t worry they’ll be great’ or say ’I don’t mind, they’ll taste good’ or to give him a hug (which I did), or ask him if I could help in some way…
All of these were strategies, that wouldn’t necessarily give him what he needed. I knew that at the time, but I froze and had forgotten how to empathise! I managed to spit out, “Are you disappointed your pancakes aren’t turning out how you’d like?”. To which he responded with groans of affirmation. I didn’t know what to do after that, so just gave him a hug, offered my help then took myself out of the kitchen.
I sat wondering how I could have handled it better (there I go – judging my own lack of NVCness!).
I’m still not sure… I need a discussion group with other NVC peeps. Unfortunately, the groups I’m a part of aren’t giving me what I need.
Thankfully I have my workgroup meeting at my house tomorrow morning so I might get a chance to talk to them about it.
I thoroughly enjoyed my pancakey breakfast though – it was a very sweet gesture on his part. I was happy because my need for love, appreciation and connection were met.
Tags: communication, empathy, judging, learning, learning nvc, nonviolent, nvc, strategy
