jaw lock

Amazing… woken up with a locked jaw. It took just 5 days for my body to demonstrate it’s discontentment with my ‘normal’ life.

unconcious pain

While reading “Growing up in trust” by Justine Mol, my thoughts wandered. Reading about the right/good and wrong/bad and the resulting behaviours of us (humans) when we see ourselves as good or bad, I recognised my own situation at work a little more clearly.

I’m constantly being triggered by my workmate Jo or my boss. So it’s not simply that my needs for meaning are not being met, it’s that I’m constantly in pain.

Aha moment…

Hmm… it’s been a while

Hmm it’s been over a year since I’ve written. I know there has been times when I’ve felt like I’ve wanted to write on a blog, but have chosen to write in a notebook instead… I’m thinking – for my own benefit of having all my thoughts in one place – that it would be beneficial to write all the little notes and things I’ve written in notebooks and other scraps of paper into this blog.

I do remember that sometimes when I’ve wanted to make note of my thoughts that I’ve been reluctant to do so online. Mostly due to the fact that I’m unsure who can see what I’ve written. I could of course choose to make this blog completely private so no one besides myself can read it, but there’s something stopping me from doing that too. Somehow, I’m happy for complete strangers to read my blog, but not so sure whether I want people who know me to read it.

beautiful, silent, works of nature

What bliss. I was walking on my way to work and stopped at a traffic light. I put my right hand in my pocket and wondered what the sediment was I felt at the bottom corners. I pulled out a tiny shell.

Instant grin lit my face.

Five tiny shells represented the beach I was at only days ago. I’d completely forgotten I’d put them there – almost an unconcious act at the time. There was no thought involved. I didn’t think about what I’d do with them, or wonder at the point of saving them.

What a blissful joy though to have found these beautiful, silent, works of nature when I find myself surrounded by artificial noise in a concrete jungle.

disconnected with self

Last night I was at my mum’s house and was just chatting when I cried. I cried when she asked how things were with BJ. The act of crying was a big sign to me that something’s not right… that I’m hurting.

I had been ticking along quite fine so hadn’t realised that something was really bothering me. It took a loved one to ask me how I was really for the real feelings to come out. It’s scary how easily it is to trick yourself into believing everything is fine.

I guess that happens when you’re not connected to yourself.

something has clicked

It seems my body has really clicked into this NVC conciousness. I attribute some of it to having received the empathy I’d needed earlier this week.

Yesterday I experienced being able to connect to a work mate I hadn’t connected with on a deeper level before. When she spoke of her feelings about her manager – the Office Manager, that so many others in my firm have dificulties with – I began reflecting back what she was saying in terms of feelings and needs.

This empathy seemed to be a positive experience for her as well, because she sent me a thank you skype message. I asked her how she felt now and she responded that she was actually feeling much better – I sensed her surprise. I was really invigorated by that conversation as well… I guess it gave me affirmation that this stuff really works(!) and also met my need for contribution to helping other people’s lives be more wonderful.

Another workmate asked me if I liked his new shirt. Not being a ‘fashionista’ I really hadn’t payed any attention to his shirt and honestly had no opinion of it. I was in shock and not knowing what to say blurted, ‘oh it’s just a shirt’. HA! Later when chatting to him about this exchange I asked him what he felt when he put that shirt on this morning. I then said, ‘so you were pretty excited about wearing your new shirt today and wanted to celebrate. Is that why you spoke to me about it?’. Yes. *giggle*

I’m smirking to myself while typing this now. I had thought I needed to explain myself to him about how I felt about his shirt, but really, all I needed to do was celebrate with him this joyous occasion.

the power of empathy

I called out for empathy to some of my NVC community and was thankful that one friend offered. On Tuesday I experienced my first real empathy session where I could just speak freely. He reflected back to me what I was saying and adding needs and feelings to my coloquial language. After an hour it didn’t matter how I was going to talk to BJ about my concerns, I’d been heard and I knew that my feelings were valid and my needs really did matter. I’ve had a lovely time since just bathing in the delight of my needs.

Last night I called BJ and we spoke for an hour and ten minutes. It was the most connecting conversation we’ve had over the phone… indeed it’s probably been the most connecting conversation we’ve had at all. BJ has always shied away from ‘meaningful’ phone conversations, however I was able to connect with him and keep my heart open and realy listen to him rather than hear blame and criticism. I stayed connected to my intention to connect and I used a few empathy techniques I’ve learnt like reflecting back what he said in needs and feelings, or asking him what he heard me say, or asking him if he’d tell me what he heard me say.

The other really important learning I was able to put into practice was stay connected with myself. At one point I felt my chest constrict again when I heard a criticism. I instantly recognised this change in my body and gave myself a quick empathy sentence, and then was able to hear again. By keeping connected I was able to direct the conversation and also tell him what I was feeling right at that moment – if I was confused by what he was saying and needing understanding, or hurt because I needed acceptance for who I am.

This was so powerful I was able to communicate with giraffe ears. It was amazing. I celebrated afterwards that we were connected again and that I had been able to put into practice my learnings of NVC. I wasn’t afraid, I didn’t hold back in case I didn’t ‘say it right’, I just stayed connected with my intention and with myself.

I’ve learnt that NVC is not just a language tool, it is a way of being.

codependency

I’m not that much into labels really, however sometimes it helps me understand better. When I came across this word – it’s a new concept to me – I felt very much in tune with what codependency is and how distructive it can be to oneself.

I attribute (not blame) my learning codependency from my upbringing. I was always taught that my actions were be responsible for my dad’s anger. And conversely if I did/said something he liked, he would be happy. Mum taught me not to rock the boat in our family by bringing up anything that bothered me.

My mum was a timid 19 year old when she and dad got married and it wasn’t until she was about 35 and started working again did she come out of herself and stop being codependent on dad.

It is not painful for me to remember this upbringing because there were many other great things about my childhood and as an adult I like who am. I am, however, growing and learning and changing those things are not good for me.

Such as codependency…

I’ve been going through a bit of a growth period this week after a realisation on saturday.  Something my boyfriend said finally hit home. It was something like, “…it’s early days” in regards to our relationship. 

 *ping*

I’ve realised that I’ve been getting too involved in his life. I’ve been so weighed down by his shit and taking it all on myself. It’s weird you know… it’s like I take responsibility for my loved one’s issues and try to help or fix it. And it’s just not healthy!

NVC consciousness is all about looking after your own needs and feelings – while empathizing with others – and not taking responsibility for anyone else’s feelings or needs because you cannot control anyone else except for yourself. So with this in mind, I’ve given myself permission to have the week to reflect and get back to me. Now I’m aware of what I’ve been doing I’m want to keep his issues at arms length and just be there to support him by giving hugs, but not fixing or coming up with solutions!

So my request to myself is to practice empathising in the NVC way and let others take care of themselves.

constricted

Today I am in pain. I woke at 1.30am last night in pain and it’s hanging around. My chest is constricted and I feel like bursting out of it to be free. I got out of bed last night and sat on my meditation cushion and lit a candle. I tried to connect with my feelings and needs as one of my cats sat curled up on my knees.

My feelings were wariness and anxiousness. My needs behind these were freedom, autonomy and space. I can’t remember the trigger.

I cried and was so happy that I cried as it was my body’s way of telling me, all is not right. I sat with those needs for a while then went back to bed to sleep.

Today my feelings are a little different.

When I remember my boyfriend saying, “I’m in a relationship and I’m not happy with my life” on Saturday, I’m feeling annoyed, worn out, and concerned for myself. My needs are acceptance for who I am, self-expression and understanding. Therefore I’m giving myself permission to have this week alone to connect with myself.

Jackal Show:
I’m having a hard time balancing between looking after myself and supporting my boyfriend. While he is stressed and concerned about his work and talks to me about it, I’ve gotten so caught up in trying to ‘fix’ him or help him that I’ve let my own life get disorderly (haven’t been to gym in a while, messy room, messy garage, files not in order, etc.). I’m so tired of hearing negativity from him I just want to get away from him and recuperate! If I could just support him by listening and giving empathy and not taking on responsibility for his concerns then I’m sure it would be easier to be around him.

I must find a way to support without taking on…

How?

Being truly connected

I’ve just spent the past week at our Regional NVC Gathering. It was such a profound experience that I feel so completely out of place sitting here at my desk at work today. I was so sad to leave yesterday because I so enjoyed the connections I made and also the freedom of being myself and being accepted. I was so afraid of not being able to keep those needs met in my daily life.

Ah… now there is an email from my friend I met at the gathering about today being the 2008 solar wave celebration. I’m thankful to have connection with my NVC friend.

Now I’m crying with a smile on my face as I view the images depicting the 2008 Gaia celebration. I feel so warm and loved by everyone from the Gathering even though I’m sitting in my pretty suit at work. I’m not afraid now… I trust now that I can take the connections I met at The Gathering into my mainstream life. I’m so glad! This will help me move away from what feels so foreign to me now and plan for my new beginning of my life with true connection with self, earth and all sentient beings. Now I can celebrate.

It feels like I’ve been away for a month. It’s only been 6 days…

I can also celebrate because I was finally able to connect deeply with my best friend CC who has joined the navy and leaving today. I had thought that I would struggle connecting deeply with anyone in my ‘normal’ life outside the nvc community and gathering, however last night when sitting with my friend with a very big, full and open heart we had a great connecting conversation. Mostly I just listened and reflected back what I heard she was feeling and needing. Then I asked her how she felt afterwards and I could see her whole body had relaxed. She smiled and said, ‘thank you – that’s exactly what i needed!’. I was also celebrating being able to give her something precious – my empathy.